To be loved is to be known
A post-Valentine's Day reflection on how we let love into our lives
Over the past couple years, I've dedicated significant time to learning about love.
What is love? How do we define love? What does it look like to love myself? What does it look like to love others? What is the difference between romantic and platonic love?
Hours of therapy sessions and late night talks with close friends and pages in my journals have been filled with discussions surrounding what it looks like to love and be loved.
Time and time again, I’ve learned that to be loved is to be known; to love is to know.
This "knowing" thing, though, has always been a challenge of mine. Many of my adolescent years were spent trying to hide the parts of my life I didn't want seen; the messy middle where I felt I had no control. I didn't want to let people into the hard parts, the imperfections that existed both within myself and in situations and circumstances that were heartbreaking and, at times, felt soul crushing.
If I could barely even accept some of these things, how could anyone else?
Hiding felt like the best option. Presenting the parts of myself and my life and my circumstances that felt controllable and safe to be known (loved) while burying the hard ones down deep into the enclaves of shame that grew within me. Dismissing, avoiding, and just never really mentioning some of the not-so-perfect stuff felt a whole lot easier than exposing what could taint someone’s view of me.
The challenge with this? I constantly lived in a place of fear & discomfort, wondering if I could be my fullest, truest self or if they might not even like me all that much if they knew the imperfect parts of me, the situations & circumstances that weren’t all that “good”, let alone choose to love me.
I now find myself actively working to let people in. And, if I'm honest, it can be really hard. I have moments and days where the “post-vulnerability hangover” feels too much to bear and I regret that I let someone in to know the hard things. My inclination to push away kicks in, my flight and freeze mode prepare for high gear and I want nothing more than to take back the exposure I’ve given into the wholeness of my life — both the good & hard & beautiful & not-so-pretty.
Over the past few years, though, as I’ve consciously chosen to let people know all of me—to no longer hide the imperfect— I’ve been met with more love than I could ever even imagine.
I’ve found that my people still love me when I mess up & things go awry.
In fact, they want to know even more about me; they care to know more about what I’m experiencing. I’ve experienced the power of meaningful community in my life— community built upon truth & wholeness & vulnerability & unconditional love… all because I’ve let myself be known.
Today, I'm focused on continuing to push past the fear of not being accepted as I am to allow myself to be known as I am.
And though it can be scary, it is the path to a life full of abundant love; the affirmation that we are worthy of love despite the imperfectly beautiful, messy, human things we do & live through.
Always,
Elle
I’ve experienced this. Knowing some one changes constantly…especially all the little things and loving them requires accepting that steady stream of changes. Thank you for putting it in words.
Some of my friendships and relationships have bloomed into amazing and supportive places that I never could have imagined before opening up.
Others shriveled and died.
But the good ones are SO worth losing the couple that shriveled. They weren't my people anyway