Tending to Shame

Earlier this morning, as I was en route to one of my favorite yoga studios in the city, an unexpected situation unfolded that required my attention to a flood of messages incoming to my phone.

Frustrated that this had happened during the time I had allotted for ~peace~, I entered the studio in a disturbed mood, sad and feeling helpless, trying my best to type quickly to assist in resolving what was, in retrospect, entirely unresolvable over the back and forth of a text thread.

The studio has a strict no cellphones policy, which is part of what makes my near daily yoga practice so special. An hour away from my little device allows for a whole lot of mental clarity and freedom to just think and move and be. I treasure this time.

And yet, despite very well knowing this policy, I just couldn’t seem to rip my attention away from the situation unfolding in my messages to pause, step away, and re-group to make some actual progress towards resolution after the class.

The clock was ticking, and as I frantically typed away, the instructor began to introduce herself and begin the class. I was juuuust about to finish up my message when she quietly asked me to “please put my phone outside the room”.

My face turned bright red. I looked down and couldn't believe she had asked me to do this, especially when I was juuuust about to hide it under my little towel at the front of my mat, right?!

In that moment, as everyone in the class watched as I frantically ran outside to lock my phone in the lockers, I felt myself desperately wanting to hide within my own skin, avoiding eye contact with any of my fellow regulars who watched me so blatantly mess up. I even had the thought of leaving the class entirely, and just never walking back in.

Why do I share this? Because I think it’s important that in a world that heavily scrutinizes imperfection, preaching for us to showcase only the best & fully healed of who we are, presenting an only “good” image of ourselves out of fear that the not-so-perfect parts of us are something to be deeply ashamed of, I want to reassure anyone reading this that 1) we all mess up and 2) we are deserving of both love and the ability to still show up despite messing up.

Now, in retrospect, I recognize that this mess-up was both a gift and a lesson. Had the teacher not asked me to put my phone outside, I would have likely been distracted from my yoga practice by the proximity of a stressful situation unfolding on the screen in front of me. I walked back into the studio and had a lovely hour, distraction free, where I was able to gain some perspective on how to effectively handle the situation. After the class, as a few tears fell down my cheeks, I thanked her for the gift of showing me love by holding me accountable to a rule that was for my own good.

Messing up isn’t grounds for hiding ourselves. Messing up is the reminder that we still have areas to grow in, and that we need both the accountability and love from our communities in order to grow. May this be the reminder to myself, and to all of you reading this, to show up amidst that cringing desire to hide in the midst of our wrongs. Just because we do bad things sometimes doesn’t mean we’re bad.

I actually believe most people are pretty gosh darn good. :)

xx

Always,

Elle

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