Not Knowing

How I'm finding peace amidst not having all the answers.

My early twenties have consisted of learning and unlearning, remembering and forgiving, reflecting and dreaming. I’ve smiled so big my cheeks hurt, laughed so hard I’ve lost my breath, cried a lot of tears (both happy & sad ones), seen so much of the world, and met many incredible people. I’ve experienced a whole lot for which I have tremendous gratitude.

I’ve learned more than I can even try to fit into a book - and yet, I find that I am more and more aware of just how little I know.

Part of the beauty in being human, I'm realizing, is in leaning towards this discomfort and vulnerability of not knowing. Of admitting I don't have the answers. Of waving my white flag and surrendering to the mystery of it all. Of confidently changing my mind and saying “I'm so sorry. I was absolutely wrong, and I appreciate you sharing your knowledge/thoughts/feelings with me”. 

When I attempted to maintain an image of having it all “together” (and what the heck that even means I am still unsure), I felt further and further from peace. I lost sight of the core of who I am in an attempt to create a perfectly curated puzzle of pieces that weren't always me. 

I'm now 24 years old, and I feel a newfound sense of wisdom upon me - not from knowing more, but from being able to admit that I know less. I feel a peace in sitting in the place of unknowing, of being able to fail and get back up and love and lose and break and rebuild. I feel a joy in knowing I am worthy of love not despite my imperfections but because of them, as love is not conditional upon an image of perfection so many of us try (and inevitably fail) to maintain. 

The freedom in being able to show up in this world as our fullest, truest selves… we’re deserving of it. I encourage you to surrender the puzzle pieces you're so desperately trying to fit together that don't represent the beauty of the authentic you; to embrace vulnerability, ask for help, admit you don't have it all together, and let love into the deepest crevices of your soul that you swore you'd never allow anyone to see. Despite what we can so often be conditioned to believe, our worthiness to exist isn’t defined by the number of unknowns we solve or questions we have the answer to (preaching to myself here, the queen of asking “but why?” and spending hours contemplating alllll the things that just don’t make sense to me). The world needs the authentic, vulnerable, far from perfect, raw, real versions of us - the us who doesn’t have the puzzle all figured out.

Because we’re worthy, always & regardless.

Always,

Elle