In My Control

I just stumbled across a C.S. Lewis quote that stopped me in my tracks - one of those phrases that captivates and rattles you with profound conviction.

“You can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending,” he writes.

Despite my daily intention to be ~more present~, at times I find my mind wandering backwards into the distant lands of the past - the archives of my every thought, movement, decision, and action bubbling up into my working memory and consuming my thought life.

There, shame creeps into every nook and cranny of my being - reminding me of what I could or should have done and every which way I’ve fallen short.

Why did I phrase it that way? Why did I act so poorly in that situation? What if I made a different choice? Why didn’t I tell that person how I really felt? Why did I let fear drive my decision? Why didn’t I see that coming? Should I have chosen the other option? Why did I trust that person? Why did I trust myself then? What would have happened if I saw that coming? Should I have chosen this path? The thoughts go on…

The beautiful thing about those of us who can enter into the hypothetical within our minds is that we are (usually, I’ve come to find) big dreamers. We love big, we think big, we feel big, and we care deeply about our lives and the lives of the people around us. We want to optimize and utilize and create and make impact. We experience things at a depth that is both a gift and a responsibility.

What I’ve found, though, is that my attempts to retain some ounce of control over my life by dwelling over what was prevents me from fully soaking up what is and what can be. Yes, I could have done things differently in the past (a lot of things, actually). But rather than using my precious mental energy to replay every single wrongdoing and misstep of younger me, I’m trying to use this big ole’ dreaming brain of mine to carefully reflect upon what was, learn from it, and then re-enter the present - the today where life exists and is fully lived. Our desire to maintain a false sense of control over what is by dwelling on what’s not (which may or may not be because of our own doing) prevents us from stepping into the vulnerable place of not knowing but remaining hopeful; the place of doing without knowing the outcome but trusting anyways.

We aren’t who we were and we don’t have to be defined by what we’re not - we simply are. And as C.S. Lewis so beautifully writes, we have the ability to change the ending of the story by remaining present in what we can control today.

Always,

Elle